Making Up a Make-up: a Story about a Woman who Loses Herself in People’s Opinion

Wearing a make-up is an activity that I like for the past one year. Shaping and emphasizing my brows make me more confident; applying DD cream and loose powder on my face help me cover pimples on my forehead; coloring my lips makes me more attractive; and, lining a black pen liner on the top of my eyelashes gives me a bigger and bolder look. I do use make-up to appear more presentable outside because I’m still not confident about my bare face. I always think that people will be disgusted by my pimples, thin brows, and pale lips and I am right about that most of the time.

It hurts actually to hear people complain about my face and appearance although almost all complaints are true, especially if you hear them from those whom you love the most. Note here that ‘love’ does not always mean a romantic feeling—respect, care, trust, and look up into are included on the list. They mostly say that I should hide my pimples with bangs so that my hair will cover them up, making me prettier and more presentable. They also say I should live a healthy life and consult them to a dermatologist so the pimples can be treated fast and clinically. Nevertheless, what they do not consider is that how I would feel to hear their supportive advice about my own beauty.

I do, however, follow their honorable advice—having bangs and buying acne treatments although I have not consulted it with a dermatologist. They keep on pushing to have an examination to a dermatologist because they think a doctor will help my skin problem(s) effectively without causing too much efforts. Nonetheless, again, they never think about the price I should pay to visit a great doctor. It is worth every penny they say but will it not be addictive?

Truth to be told, I have been thinking about visiting a dermatologist but I always draw myself back if I remember about the price and the addiction it may cause. Doing a consultation with a dermatologist and buying the medicine s/he recommends need to be done several times which lead to the total cost it has. Furthermore, do not forget about the addiction my skin will feel after I stop applying/consuming the medicine. The addiction does not always happen of course but I always have this thought about a medicine put onto my skin will somehow have a side effect if I stop using it. Therefore, I always find another option which relaxes my mind from that thought: searching skin care which can be found without waiting for a doctor’s words.

It is hard to find the perfect skin care products for my skin. Many have no effect on my acne prone skin and some pop out breakouts. I will keep searching for the right products though because with this method, I will blame myself if the products do not meet my expectation. It is true that buying and trying products cost a lot of money too but it soothes me in a way I cannot explain it now.

However, many people still criticize my look for my pimples are not gone yet. I know I should not expect them to care about me trying to do it myself and I should take their critics as a good insight but… there will always be a little part of me feeling bitter about what they say. That is why I found a Zen in make-up.

Make-up makes me more beautiful, presentable, and attractive than I am without it. It is an irony in my opinion because make-up covers my “natural” face which makes me indirectly follow those people’s sweet talk to hide my irritated skin. Yet, somehow, I feel like myself with make-up on. My professional self. My girly and flirtatious self. My confident, brave, and bold self. Although, I am also fine with my bare face. Only if I am at home.

Nevertheless, people will not always satisfy, right? They argue that I put on too much make-up on my face in such a young age, that I should be more “natural” and innocent and fresh. Make-up makes me look older because I emphasize some parts of my face, make it sharper and bolder. I know about the side effect(s) of make-up of course and I accept it. Embrace it actually because make-up protects me from the world. Who does not want to be beautiful by the way.

Unfortunately, wearing make-up also lessens my confidence. Make-up is like a paradox to me: it gives me strength that I need every time I have to go outside but on the same time it is gradually erasing my love for my own body. I realize that I always feel not enough seeing the condition of my face. Breakouts, oily skin, pores, wrinkles, etc. give a nightmare when I see my face on a mirror. Then, I will end up surfing online shops to find skin care and make-up product(s).

I want to love my face just the way it is. I want to embrace wrinkles, pimples, acnes, and acne scars as parts of me. I am still learning it even though it is very very hard. I still look into a mirror with disdain, hoping that all skin problems will eventually disappear. I am always jealous with people who have found their right skin care products to treat the skin problems. And I certainly envy some people’s healthy skin.

Well… I am surprised with what this writing has brought me to. I did not think about this before and had not mapped it first. But, here we are discussing this topic until this last paragraph. What I am trying to say is that no matter tools you have/get to make you more and/or feel beautiful and satisfied with your look, do not be ashamed to admit it. It is part of you. Nevertheless, we still have to love our naked face and body because those are what you are behind all those products attached on you. It is okay to feel ugly and unsatisfied but remember that no one will love your body unconditionally except yourself. Thus, let us try and fight together for ourselves. To love our body. To embrace our flaws.

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The Day

Seeing you smile while you talk,

Hearing your laugh over a small joke,

How do I know that you are in pain?

You give me a wise advice,

You offer me a warm hug,

How do I know that you are suffering?

I always get your attention but

I never try to get interested in you.

What should I do now when you sigh like that?

What should I do to make those eyes shine mischievously again?

The day when I realize the answer,

it is the day when my here and your here are miles apart.

A Night to Remember

It is coming

Crawling and creeping

Spreading its wings

Into the room, blinding.

Behind the blanket I think

“if I close my eyes, it will disappear.

It’s just a fear.”

But I still can feel it coming

Sliding between my feet

Covering me up till I get weak.

I can hear it screams

Loudly on my ears.

Humming doesn’t ease the shriek

Singing doesn’t stop its bleak.

It eats me.

Freezing,

Chattering.

Maybe opening my eyes will make it cease.

I count to three…

Slowly,

I see

it’s there smiling,

Showing its sharp teeth,

Whispering

“wherever you go, I’ll be here.

Crushing everything you hold dear

What’s left is you, crying

And nothing.”

You’ve Done a Great Job

How long have you lived on this Earth? How long have you lived by yourself? How long have you paid your own bills? How long have you survive from sadness, loneliness, and illness? How many hours do you sleep every night? How many hours do you work every day? How many times do you cry? How many times do you feel angry? How many times do you get sick? How many times do you get promotion? How many times do you quit your job? How many times do you fail? How many times do you change your surrounding? How many times do you meet someone new? How do you cope with new surrounding? How do you cope with your new friends? How do you maintain your relationship with other people? How do you feel when your friends no longer see you as a friend? How do you feel when your family look you as a stranger? How long have you moved from your parents’ house? How many times do you meet your parents? How many times do people tell you that you could do better than that? How many times do people tell you that you deserve better? How many times do people tell you to pay attention to your look? How many times do people tell you to have an exercise? How many times do people tell you that you should find a partner? How many times do people tell you that you should get married? How many times do people tell you that you should buy a house? How many times do people tell you that you should have a child? How many times do people tell you that you should have a car? How many times do people tell you to save your money? Lastly, have anyone told you that you’ve done a great job for everything that you do in your life? I am here to tell you that YOU HAVE DONE A GREAT JOB. Through thick and thin, you still survive. You’ve done a great job to stand still although fire, storm, flood, and earthquake always try to make you flat with the ground. Congratulations, you’ve done a great job my friend.

 

Jealousy

It stings your inner chest a little. Probably because your heart suddenly contracts or stops for a little while. Either way, you can feel and hear the beat of your heart at that exact moment.

Your stomach churns as if you have swallowed up a gallon of milk. You can feel the liquid is slowly going up into your throat, climbing until you can taste the sour acid mixed with milk flavor on your uvula, tongue, and the palate of your mouth.

The vasomotor center persuades your blood pressure and heart rate to increase two times, sending a tingle to your body. Meanwhile, the medulla and pons generate signal to breathe in as much oxygen as your lungs needed into your respiratory centers.

That “zing” sound which travels from the tympanic membrane into the ossicles comes out of nowhere. You don’t know where that sound comes from but you can hear it clearly inside your head.

It’s funny. While those organs of your body go into overdrive, your eyes, nevertheless, seem to stop working. They don’t blink for a minute or two. Your iris stays on one position only when you don’t blink. Of course, it will get watery soon so your eyelids start flickering. Then, you bat your eyes crazily to prevent the water break down.

However, you unconsciously stretch your mouth forming a rigid curved line. You grit your teeth against those feelings inside your body so that the acid milk flavor liquid you can taste in your mouth will not be going out. You swallow it up instead and make your stomach churn wildly than before until you can hear it groan inside.