Fear

I’m afraid of him

Of him who has captured my eyes the first time we met.

I’m afraid of her

Of her who can undoubtedly judge every single step I take.

I’m afraid of them

Of them who often offer a sugar-coated friendship in the beginning and give a bitter taste in the end.

I’m afraid of you

Of you who can see right through all my facade.

I’m afraid of God

Of God who barely exists and won’t take my apology.

I’m afraid of the universe

Of the universe who controls my fate as long as I live.

I’m afraid of a mirror

Of a mirror who always forgets to forgive and believe.

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How Are You?

It’s been awhile, eh? Two years? Or is it three years? I’ve never had a chance to say a proper goodbye to you so here it is…

Knowing you is an unbelievable moment in my life. We met through the system years ago to complete our courses. Thus, I wouldn’t say it’s a fate. I never expected anything through that system after all. But, there you were! I was glad…

Having a chance to be close to you is a bless. I never thought we would be that close, you know. I didn’t even think you as a special person for the first two weeks. Yet, the shopping and cooking schedule could bring us closer than before. We gradually built some trust with each other which made us enjoy having a deep conversation about life. At that time, I saw you as a potential male best friend whom I would cherish my whole life. Then, just like all cliché chicklit stories, I unconsciously took a pleasure in seeing your features. Those sharp and sparkling eyes when you talked about earth and all its treasure. Your perfect hawk nose which I really wanted to touch. Those natural red lips with the lower one slightly thicker than the upper lip. And your smile… Gosh, your smile brought a butterfly in my stomach. Your smile is like a kid’s smile: innocent yet proud. It was that moment when you smiled at me which woke me up. Slapping me to realize that you have a special place in my heart.

One moment I was so ecstatic. However, reality gave me a middle finger when I remembered that you were unreachable romantically. There was a beautiful girl out there waiting for you. And, what was I? I would be a complete bitch if I pursued you endlessly. That’s proven when we finally got back from the getaway. She knew we were close. She knew I was a threat to your relationship which had been going on for years. It would be liberating and easier if only she directly said to my face that I had to fuck off. I would be happy to oblige because I know it was wrong. Nevertheless, she took a complicated path by talking to my friends. Asking them to warn me to stay away or else she would go crazy because she was madly in love with him. At first, I wanted to challenge her by bringing our relationship to another level in order to make her angry and come to me. Yet, my weak feeling told me otherwise. She was a woman just like me so I knew really well how that felt. I knew the hurt. I knew the anger. I knew the betrayal feeling you got when you heard about it. I couldn’t let the new relationship take another step knowing I had hurt someone because of my ego. I, as a woman, don’t want it happening to me if the situation is reversed. Thus, with a heavy heart, I decided to end things without any explanation.

Honestly, I didn’t plan our ending to be like that. No. Not at all. I had prepared long writings to explain to you all feelings I had and the reasons why I ended it. When it’s time to send it, I became a coward. I was afraid of what you would say. I was terrified in fact. Our relationship seemed so surreal for me. Finally, I surrendered to my fear. I deleted my explanation. I deleted your number. I also deleted your social media accounts from my phone. Such a chicken.

Years later, the memory will suddenly appear and haunt me. It forces me to know where you are now, your well being, and, of course, your love life. Unfortunately, you are not an active user of social media. I can’t track you down secretly. Disappointed? Very. I hate myself for my cowardice because it’s my fault that I didn’t end us clearly. I regret that I haven’t told you about my feeling. I regret everything.

Therefore, I want to make it clear now even though the chance of you reading it is almost impossible. Dear you, I like you since the first time you gave me that smile. I like you to the point where you are always there in my future. Silly, eh? Hahaha… And, I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done to you. To us. You probably think there’s nothing us this whole time. It’s okay. But, please accept my apology. It’s such a shame that we can’t be friends because of my stupidity. You, amongst other, are rare to me. So… This is it! Thank you for the moments we have shared together. And, it’s great to know you…

The Sins

No one should blame demons for every sin we have committed. After all, we are the one who decides to take those sins in the end. Not the demons. They only do their jobs so that their existence matters in this world. They blow soft whispers to our ears explaining their perspectives on your idea. Once again and please underline it, your idea. It’s created in your mind and flowing through your veins. Sending weir vibrations to your body when you think about it. You can either follow your instincts or ignore it. The decision is on your hand.

Why bother crying? There’s no use because you have executed your plans. No going back. Face them with a proud face because they are the fruits of your thought. Embrace it as if they were your lovers. Those sins are parts of your body nevertheless.

Why bother denying it? You, your body, and your soul know about the sins. There’s no use pretending like you are an innocent angel with pure heart. Being good will only make you crave to commit the sins again and again. Being good will only produce meaningless excuses about demons who don’t take part committing those sins you have done.

Blackness

Laying here in the darkness, images of what ifs attack my mind. The biggest one is about the blackness. We live our lives as if we are the protagonist on this Earth. We see things with our eyes so that’s why we always believe and prioritize our own perspectives. We always play make believes about what our lives would be in the future. It’s all centered around ourselves.

However, what if we die? Our eyes can’t see anything but blackness. We will not know events happening on Earth. We can’t even imagine the future of our death; what will happen when we’re dead.

Seeing the darkness when I close my eyes to sleep, I’m wondering what will happen to me when I decide my time is up? Can I still see my family even when my body is six feet under? Or, will I go to hell? What will hell look like? Or, is it only… nothingness that will great me? It will be just black, silent, and quiet. Nothing more. You just wait until no one knows when. After all, your eyes can’t see no more and your mind is switched off.

Thus, I tried to close my eyes and think about what death will truly feel like. And… Nothing. I can’t see and feel anything. I can’t even imagine what my family will do if I die. Or, what those people around me will gonna do. I don’t know if Earth will still be Earth. It’s just total blackness.

Then, it occurred to me that the blackness, the sense of can’t see or feel anything, has actually been greeting me everyday since day one: sleep. When I sleep, only blackness appears before me. I can’t feel anything when I sleep. I don’t know my body movement or my sleeping habit(s). Questioning why I am in a different position when I am asleep is useless. It just happens. When I sleep, my eyes are taken. I can’t think of a world with me as the protagonist.

Therefore, it brings me to the questions popped up in my mind from the very beginning: what if I suddenly die? What if death is only an endless of blackness and nothing more?

The Curse of the First Born

Being the eldest child is a hard work. A lot of responsibilities are thrown at you whether you like it or not. You can’t just walk around and live in the moment. Some of you may disagree but this is what I feel.

I’m not born with a silver spoon. I need to learn how to survive ever since I was a fourth grader. That’s probably the reason why I am greedy and feel the urge to calculate every single penny I get and/or lose. Do I hate myself for it? Honestly, no. I do feel guilty because my behavior most probably hurt those around me. But then, I’m no angel. I’m selfish when it’s about me and my family’s well being.

Talking about family, I never had a proper house built by my own parents for 19 years. Yet, when my parents did build a house, it was because my grandparents gave their house in their last will. We rebuilt it because the house was in a poor condition. If you think of a proper permanent resident with brick walls and tiles, you’re very much wrong. Most parts of the house use a kind of bamboo wall which is very thin and breakable. Why? It’s cheap. My parents can’t afford buying bricks, cements, and other things needed to create a concrete wall. In addition, only the living room and one bedrom using tiles. The rest of the rooms is decorated with some kind of cements as the floor I think. Cement is cheaper than tile floor. I’m really grateful nonetheless for I have a place where I call my parents’ house.

I should be more grateful though because many unfortunate people couldn’t even live in a house. There are many peole who are far more poor than I am. Yeah, I realized that. However, living in an environment where all people you know are well bred is quite a challenge. I live bearing the seven deadly sins in my entire life. I’m not proud of that.

Nevertheless, the strong need to take my family’s dignity up high is still rooted deep in my heart. I don’t want to make them suffer. I want to give a golden plate for them. I want to open all possible doors for my sister so she can do whatever she wants. I want them to live with no worries about financial things.

Those needs follow me everywhere I go. Therefore, it’s difficult for me to take a daring decision. It’s not only my life which is at stake here but also my family’s life. Especially, I am the sole worker now. My father has retired from his 18 years job which gives him less then Rp 300.000/month for his pension. Crazy isn’t it?

I want to pursue my dreams so bad but I come to a halt every time I remember the situation my family is in. Somehow I feel guilty and afraid. Guilty for abandoning them. Afraid of their lives if I decide to chase my dreams.

These days, for example, I have this awful feeling eating me alive because I decided to play the game. I have told them before that I am going to quit my job. The reason is that the environment stresses me out. I have burnt both candles ever since I work there. Sure it’s a good money but I can feel my body weakening, my brain lacking, and my mental deteriorating. I thought the job was my passion.

And yesterday, I have up my game. I had handed my resignation letter to my manager so that it leaves me with only one and a half month left until I’m completely broke.

I don’t know what fate has prepared for me in the future. I just hope if my plan doesn’t go out as I want it to be, I could land a good job. One can hope, right?