An Event’s Effect

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Today, I went to the English Department Office to meet the chairwoman of English Department. I’m still in the first class, so I worried to go to that room due to it’s the first time for me entering the Department Office. When I entered the room, there are seven people in there. I only noticed four people and one of them is my lecturer who teaches Laboratory Work. I came to that office because I wanted to ask the chairwoman’s signature for a proposal. I should wait for a moment as the chairwoman was praying. When I was waiting for her, one of the lecturer said “Ah… I don’t have any time to watch these films.” He said it with showing about five or six films to my Lab Work lecturer. Because I’m too curious to know what film is that, I peek behind his back. You know what happen next? He turned his body and found my curious eyes about the films. I shocked at first when he turned his body and had his eyes on men. Then, I was reflex said “What films do you have, sir?” I thought he will mad at me because I was secretly peeking at his back, but he showed me all the films one by one. I really can’t deny that I am the film fanatic, and I can’t control myself to open my mouth so wide and say “Woaaahh!!”. It’s really embarrassing! But,(like what I have said before that I am a film fanatic) I can’t control my mouth to say “Wow, you have some good films, sir. They are really a famous one.” He smiled and put the films back to his backpack after I finished looking them.

Do you think it’s the last shocking “event” which happens at that time?

No, it’s not.

After he put the films, he had some conversations with my Lab Work lecturer. Suddenly, their conversation changed into a debate. They were debating about Microsoft and technologies. At first, I can follow their debate but it wasn’t too long. Maybe it’s because I don’t really understand about technologies, I get dizzy with their debate. There are some words like “serial number”, “false programs”, “internet connection”, etc. Again, I only could see them in amazement. It was the first time for me to see the lecturers were debating in front of my eyes. It… Is… Very… Amazing!! You can say that I am weird or anything, but it is really amazing for me! They threw up their opinions about it and no one was tired or even lost argument. Even in the end, no one who admitted that he was lose in the debate. They only stop the debate due to one of the lecturer asked them to go to the canteen.

I think over and over again about that and wonder when I will like them. When will I not stuck on giving some arguments? When will I speak fluently on a debate? And the most important part is, when will I win on a debate? I have tried so many times debating with one of the lecturers and it ended with my defeat. I know that It is embarrassing that I have lost so many times with the same person, but I really want to win on a debate! The lecturer who debated with me said that if I want to win on a debate — especially with him — I should read and practice more. It is true because if we don’t have enough knowledge about everything, we will easily defeated any time on every debates. I put the precious advice inside my brain and will remember it forever. I know that it will be very useful in the future. But, the truth is I really want to defeat him. He who always defeats everyone who has a debate with him.

Someday, I will show him that I can debate with him in a strong argument.

Someday, I will debate with him until our mouth dry.

Someday, I will beat him.

Someday, I will make him know my ability.

I will and I shall.

The Feeling

There’s a time when you are really upset of everything. The feeling when you really want to get out from where you are right now, change your identity, and have your own place.

There’s a time when you really want to cry out loud and yell “I can’t do it no more!” You feel that no one appreciate, notice, or love you. You are completely alone.

There’s a time when you get jealous of somebody else. You only look to their happiness without trying to reach it. The feeling of the world leaves you behind, but the truth is you build a barrier between the world and yourself.

There’s a time when you need someone to hear all of your pain really bad. However, you don’t want to make them burden with your problem, so you only can cry by yourself. When your heart feels really heavy, it feels that you’re hard to breathe.

There’s a time when you want to dodge from the people around you because you want to be alone and refresh your complicated mind.

Disposition

Since I was a little girl, my mom told me to hide my emotion towards other people. She said that it’s not good to let everyone knows your feeling about them. My mom also told me that I can’t cry in front of many people because it will embarrass your pride.  As a woman, we should hide our true feeling and show our best smile to other people though your heart is broken. We can cry, but you can’t cry out loud and you must hide in a place where no one knows that you cry. I was educated with that way, and it planted really deep and strong inside my brain. As the time goes by, I know it’s really wrong. It’s not good to put a mask in your face to hide your emotion towards the other. It will make you become a closed person and hard to trust people around you. I became a person who hardly tell my feeling even though to my own parents. When you cry alone in your room and try hard to not make any sound, your heart really hurts. It’s really painful. I’ve tried to open my heart, but again, the lesson is really planted well on my brain.

I know that my mom educated me like that because she doesn’t want if I burden somebody else with my problem. She doesn’t want her child lean into someone’s shoulder every time she has a trouble in her life. She wants her daughter to stand alone on her own feet.  It’s good that she thinks it for her daughter’s sake in the future. Unfortunately, it doesn’t run really well. I have became an autonomous person, but I can’t express my feeling well. I just can laugh, smile, worry, feel sad if someone hurt, and quiet if I get angry. Saving your pain and angry inside your heart over and over again is not good for your health. I read in an article that it can make you have a high-pressure blood, and in a serious condition, it can make you lose your mind. No, I don’t want to lose my mind. But, what can I do to make this dangerous disposition decrease in my life?

Solitude

Sometimes, being alone is rather fun than standing in the middle of a million people. Enjoying the smell of grass which is wet due to the rain which falling in the afternoon is really relaxing my mind. When you open your eyes, you can see many trees are standing taller than you, the water on the river flows in rhyme with the sound of rain, and cold air is touching your naked cheek. enjoying the solitude can make your mind peace. Hearing the sound of television can make your bored, and it’s really irritating your ear by the time you always hear it everyday. Seeing the wall which covered your view would make you confused. Smelling the smoke of cigars and cars makes you lazy to step outside your door.Image

Solitude can bring ideas and dream. It will make you think that the Earth is really wonderful outside a bunch of high-rises building. Solitude can bring happiness for some people (including me) because they can express what ever they want without being noticed and being judged by other people. It doesn’t mean that having some interaction with other people are disturbing, but it’s about enjoying your time with yourself. (really sorry for the picture if it doesn’t represent the meaning of my writing because I’m too enjoying to write in this wordpress and I can’t move my hand even for “click”-ing the new tab to finding the good one. So, I chose a picture which already exists in my notebook, and here it is!)

Being an Adult

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First of all, I write this post to sharing my worry about 21 months again I’ll reach the age of twenty. Most of my family and my friends said that twenty is the age of maturity, and we will be an adult. Adult is the time for girls turn into women, and boys turn into men (in my opinion of the meaning of adult). They can’t moan to their parents anymore, but they should solve their own sadness, fear, dream, etc. Most of my friends learn to be an adult when they go to college and rent a room for living by their own feet. They told me that there are some positive and some negative side to be living alone. But here, I’ll talk about the negative side of it (I’ve already told you that today I’m worrying about being an adult). They always told me that they have a serious problem in managing their money and time. For that statement, almost all people around the world, even an adult, have the same problem because human will need money until their body is buried. The other problem is they can’t eat whenever they want due to they should save the money (again, it’s about money). The last (actually there are many problems but I just want to discuss four of them) are they should wash their own clothes, and they’re keep wanting to see their family.

For me, I already separate from my parents since I was in first grade of elementary school, so I think I don’t have any problem with moaning and managing my need to see my parents. Okay, I’ll always miss them but I can manage to keep it and not showing my tears. Managing my money? I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve already done it since I was in second grade of junior high school. Guess what? It’s really hard, and I still learn about it until now. However, I can manage it well and push my desire to buy something which isn’t too necessary. What I really don’t understand is about “washing your own clothes”. Do you never wash your own clothes when you live with your parents? My mom said I should wash my own clothes because I live with my grandma, and she’s too old to do those things. Moreover, I’m a girl, who less than two years again turns into a woman, and I must be able to do it. I wash my clothes every time I get a holiday from the college. Why do I need to wait until holiday? It’s because I don’t live in a dorm or rent a room. I go from my grandma’s house to the college by public transportation. It usually takes one hour if there’s nothing traffic, but it can be one and a half hours until two hours if the traffic is really worse. So, I think for managing time is harder for me than for them, fortunately, I can manage it well (though I won’t deny if sometimes I feel tired after I arrive at home).

Back to adult. To be honest, I sometimes scared being an adult, but I don’t try to push myself to become a teenager forever because I know it’s an impossible thing. I scared being an adult because I know that I will stop growing (in the matter of height). My skin won’t be strained again, my teeth will loose from my gum, and my hair will turn white. Oh, I forget that it will happen to all human being. But, the most important thing is I’m scared I can’t educate my children well in the future. When I should look after my little sister, my nephew or my cousin, I sometimes irritated and impatience of her behavior, especially when she poops, dear God it’s really a nightmare for me. They poop anywhere and anytime they want without realize how the situation is. Unfortunately, I was born to be a woman, and I should take care of those things. That’s what my mom told me. It’s because less of the men who take care of their child when it’s time for the child to poop. How unfair this world is when it comes about poop and child!

I really amazed to all parents around the world who can educate their children until they can become a success man, respected by people, and loving their parents (let me say I LOVE YOU to my beloved mom and dad). They really work hard to make their child becomes someone whom everybody wants to be. I realized when I went to college that being an adult and educate people whose age is under our age is really hard. We have a different thought and manner, but (once again I really amazed of this) they really patience to face the students (though they sometimes lose their control of madness) whose behavior is sometimes annoying than a baby.  But, once again, they can face them until they understand even smarter than them.

Being an adult is something which can’t be avoided for all human, and neither do I (because I’m still a human). Whether I like it or not, I’ll become an adult in the future. But today, I want to feel the freedom of a teenager who still under parents watching. Freedom and parents watching? Why do I like parents who always watching every step which I do while the others try to avoid it? For ten years of my life, I rarely meet my parents, and I really want to know the feeling of under parents’ inspection. While for freedom is I don’t need to think about something else except my own happiness. Yup, I want to be a selfish teenager. It’s only for twenty one months, so it will be okay, won’t it?

 All people have a different opinion, so some of them will disagree, and the other will agree. But, that’s my opinion and worry about adult and something which related to it due to in twenty one months later, my age will turn into twenty (or because I’m having my menstruation right now which makes me think that way and in mood to talk about it).